empousa (empousa) wrote in anglesofds,

Asperger's and submission

I am addressing in the first place to Rajih since her posts made me think along these lines but then to anyone who takes the submissive role.

Let me say that tests which are used to diagnose Asperger’s syndrome I place within the normal range but approaching very near to the limit of the diagnosis. A few years ago I had a lover who was pretty far over the edge. She was by far the sweetest and gentlest person I ever knew, and pretty nearly the cleverest. She had studied Latin & Greek only in high school but could read them better than me and I have a Ph/D in Classics. But she was odd enough that despite MAs in mathematics and civic planning, and all the specialized training one would need to work as an actuary, the best job she had ever held was a s a secretary.

We were lovers only for a few weeks, in part because I met husband (as he now is) only 1 day after meeting her), but there were intrinsic problems. I never succeeding in making her come since when I would go down on her she would become excited but as she neared any very high level she would start crying out as if in pain (and I know the difference between that and pleasure) and I would stop and she agreed that I should have because she was just too overwhelmed. Actually there was one last time, when, on moral grounds I knew I had no business to be doing anything with her, when she seemed relaxed enough that I would have succeeded, but I stopped short when I came to my senses. Something I regret now. We nevertheless remained friends for a few years, but she eventually married too, and to a man whom I only saw at her wedding and he made no very favorable impression me, who eventually made much contact between us impossible, doubtless out of jealousy since it was pretty clear to everyone with eyes that she married him for safety (he worked as an engineer) and she was still in love with me, and he has led her ever deeper into Orthodox Judaism.

But what I am really posting about is curiosity about the interface between Asperger’s and masochism.

I have never acted sexually in a dominant or submissive manner in real life (and could hardly imagine my husband indulging in such games) and don’t think I would ever really want to, but my fantasy life involves around many things that I would never do in real life, most of them highly submissive. You’ll get some idea of the range of my fantasies from the questions I am about to ask.

Now remember Rajih, I’m mostly taking to you, since I have the best sense of your situation form the posts here, but anyone else who has something to the point to say is also most welcome.

First of all, the whole slave thing is very exotic to me since it must be a highly developed fantasy that most people would not spend the mental and libidinal energy on maintaining. I gather that you ‘owner’ had you wearing a collar that caused you serious injury and made some scene in a restaurant over a trivial matter. You must admit that doesn’t seem very nice on the face of it. I wonder what you see in him that makes you tolerate that kind of thing?

But here are the main questions (and some of them involve Asperger’s and some are simply the psychology of submission, and its practical limits—of course I half expect that the syndrome may fit in ways I haven’t imagined—and I admit there might be some prurience here on my part). Those who wish may treat this as a quiz, so popular on live journal

1. In what degree do you consider your ‘master’ your master: I mean, at the limit, do you imagine he could sell you to another master? One of the facets I share with Asperberger’s syndrome is a tendency to develop a few close relationships that are very important to me, and a disinterest and inability to form second level attachments or to interact amicably with strangers. Does this factor feed into the extraordinary psychic energy you must be pouring into this one relationship?

2. Along those same lines, probably most women fantasize about being bound or otherwise compelled to acquiesce (and that is the crucial part of the fantasy) to have sex with strange men that is completely beyond their control. Would you say that this concept is heightened for you by the centrality of the one relationship and the relative impersonality of relationships with others generally. And would you, or even have you, submitted to such a scenario in real life. I once belonged to a yahoo list devoted to the idea of the ‘glory hole’ according to which a woman goes to some place that has video booths or similar accommodations and fellates a man through a small gap in the wall just large enough for the purpose. The only woman there who freely talked of having done this, and with some frequency, said that she spoke to her lovers through the whole and developed miniature relationships with them. This surprised me since I had rather thought that the whole point of such an exercize was the anonymity, the freedom not to form a relationship. Does this make sense?

3. You describe yourself as collard, and this is pretty common among submissive, as I understand this. I suppose this means that you wear a collar in public. Probably this would cause most women a certain degree of shame, and indeed it is the excitement though shame that they want to indulge. But it occurs to me that the influence of Aspberger’s might reduce or remove this shame since one might not care about what strangers thought. In this case does the collar truly act principally as a symbol of the special intensity of one intimate relationship, which is the usual, somewhat repressed, answer one would get from most submissives about this practice?

4. If it were left entirely up to my husband’s imagination, I would spend most of my time at home nude and much of it fellating him to various stages of completion. This doesn’t happen in reality, of course. But supposedly it does in slave-master relationships (or things analogous, depending on the proclivities of those involved). I wonder if in the case of an Asperger’s submissive, this kind of thing is underwritten by an erotic monomania akin to other kind of monomaniacal obsessions associated with the Syndrome? My afore mentioned friend’s prowess with the classical languages would come under this heading (when we first began to read Greek together, she had not looked at any for years and refreshed herself by reading through Goodwin’s Grammar like a novel). This frequently manifests itself in professions associated with math or engineering. One could certainly make a case that the Confederate general ‘Stonewall’ Jackson had Asperger’s and an obsessional talent for war. And one could go on with many examples (a small case in point is this very posting, the idea for which first occurred to me last nigh when I stumbled onto this group, about the mental composition of which I lost much sleep, and which I am compelled by some inner daemon to spend the morning typing when I have other things I ought to do). I don’t see why this phenomenon couldn’t manifest itself in the erotic field as well.

5. My friend desperately wanted children, but she could never have taken care of a baby by herself. She could only manage her own hygiene through rote memorization and that not very well; she would have had no ability to quiet a crying baby, or to see what was dangerous to a crawling one, among other factors. One of the things my friend’s husband promised her before marriage was that they would have children and he would hire a nanny. But that soon changed after the marriage to they couldn’t have children because she couldn’t take care of them. I wonder how many of those with Asperger’s realize or decide that they won’t have children? What role does that play with living in a manner in other respects incompatible with family life? I once angered a couple at a yahoo group when I asked them how they could have children and go on so fanatically with this master and slave business. They became extremely insulted and aggressive at the implication that they way they lived their lives might have any limitations--as though anyone lived with unlimited freedom, especially from the consequences of their own actions and desires!—but their answer boiled down to that they only acted the part of master and slave while the children were asleep or away at the grandparents, so they realized perfectly well that what I had asked was salient, but refused to admit it. I certainly don’t want to offend anyone over so personal an issue, but one ought to be able to rationally discuss it just as with anything else. In this case what is otherwise limiting might be liberating.

Well, that is probably enough to satisfy my compulsion to write. Thanks for anyone answering.
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